Don't bite the hand that feeds you

Josh (handing me a basket full of fake food): "Eat your food! Use your spoon. Eat your food! Do you want me to take it away? Do you want BBQ sauce on it? There. I put BBQ sauce on it."

Say Cheese!

Josh (after watching me lie my head on Tim's shoulder): "You guys are funny. Wait! Let me go get the camera."

No. Go to bed.

Josh (right after closing the door to his bedroom for the night): "MOMMY!!! MOMMY!"
Tim: "What's wrong Josh?"
Josh: "You're not mommy."
Me: "What's wrong Josh?"
Josh: "Are you ok?"
Me: "Yes. Go to bed."
Josh:"Did daddy hit you?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh: "Did daddy bite you?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh: "Did daddy bless you?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh: "Did you hit yourself?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh still is still grilling me as Tim and I shut the door.

Houston we have a problem...

Tim: "If you filled a spaceship full of weed and sent it to the sun, would it burn up and get the whole world high? That is a reference to a movie or something, right? I don't know. No....that would just be a waste of weed....and a spaceship."
You read that right...Tim NOT me said this.

Think of two completely unrelated items...yep, that is what Josh did.

Josh: "My tummy hurts and it smells like CHI-NEEZE outside."

Oh I wish I was an Oscar Mayer weenie...

Josh (20 minutes after we put him to bed): "Daddy!!! Daddy!!!"
Me (Tim is playing PS3, so I go in to check on Josh): "What's wrong, Josh?"
Josh: "Are you a weenie like Will is a weenie?"
Me: "No. Ha. Ha. Ha."
Josh: "You ARE a weenie. And daddy is a weenie. Just like I am a weenie."
Me: "No. You are a honey bunny."
Josh: "A honey bunny weenie."

oooo.....ahhhh.....pretty lights

Josh (leaving the airport observation deck): "I want to see more airplanes."
Multiply this by about 20 or so...and we were still technically in the airport.
Tim (pointing at a construction sign): "Look Josh, flashing lights!!!!"
Me: "WTF Tim? Really?"
Josh is staring at the sign with his jaw dropped....mesmerized.
Tim: "What?!? He stopped asking about the airplanes didn't he?"
Ah. The simple things.

Phoning a friend

This is pretty self explanatory...he calls everyone now...it is an everyday thing.

When life give you lemons...make lemonade...and you had better share with Josh

Josh (after trying lemonade for the first time): "I just want a sip more....HEY MAN...we need to SHARE!"
A cup full of just ice later...
Josh: "I like the taste of lemonade in my mouth."

Excuse me

Josh (after hogging all of my lemonade): "My tummy is FULL!!"
Me: "Oh yeah? Maybe you need to burp or something."
Josh: "Yeah. My belly is full of Mandy and you and Amber. I will burp you out in the shower."
If you haven't caught on....my. kid. is. weird. And has a thing for Mandy and Amber, but this is nothing new.

You're not a member of the FDIC?

Tim gave Josh some change to put in his piggy bank.
Me: "What are you going to buy with all of that money Josh?"
Josh: "A new money box. With monkeys, elephants, turtles, and giraffes."
Me: "Are you talking about buying another piggy bank with your money? Why? What is wrong with this one?"
Josh: "It is too heavy."

OSHA Regulations

Josh (completely random): "I really hope it isn't slippery."
Me: "What are you talking about, baby?"
Josh: "The toilet seat."
Truthfully, I think he was stalling. It was nap time.

Open your eyes Tonja

Me (to Tim): "I don't think I know any guy who has a girl-daughter."
wtf? I took biology.

The doctor is in

Josh (to Tim): "I NEED ice cream. It makes my tummy feel better every day."

Oh No! There goes Tokyo

Me (While I am pushing Josh on the swing): "You are such a monster....Joshzilla!"
Josh: "No, you're a monster! A mommy monster..."
Me: "What's Daddy?"
Josh: "A daddy monster. Daddy monsters give me money."

Hide and Seek

Josh (while in the shower): "Mommy. Mommy. MOMMMMYYYY!!!! Can you find my pee pee? It's hiding!"

Home Depot - The next Radio Shack

Josh (as I am getting him in the car): "Are we going to Home Depot?"
Me: "No. Why? Do you want to go to Home Depot?"
Josh: "We have to get batteries for my robot tomorrow."