All I want for Christmas is....

Some sleep!  

*Josh fell asleep waiting in line 2.5 hours to see Santa.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you

Josh (to my mom at lunch): "What's a gigabyte?"

*What 4 year old asks these kinds of questions?  Tim's!

The Candyman Can....

Tim: "Stop messing with me....my tummy is sensitive now....I think I ate too much candy."

*I was tickling him.  What makes this SO funny is that Tim ate too much candy.  He is ALWAYS eating candy and in the almost 8 years I have known him he has NEVER uttered those words.

Talk to the hand

Josh did something and I asked him to stop.  He continued and started to get ugly with me.  I told him to go to his room when he made a hand gesture similar to "stop" (one palm up the other hand ridge down on top).  I gave him "the look"

Josh: "what? I was practicing my sign language"

Dumb and dumber

Tim: "so, what's the dumbest thing you've ever done?"
Me: "define dumb...."

A Hot Mess

Josh: "I am way smarter than you."
Me: "Oh yeah?  Why do you think that?"
Josh: "I can do things better than you."
Me: "Like what?"
Josh: "Like make a mess!!!!"
Me: "You got that right!"

Feliz Navidad

Josh (pulling the train for around the Xmas tree out of the box): "This one is really fragile too!"
Me: 'Josh, what does fragile mean?"
Josh (very matter of factually): "It means glass......in Spanish."

Cookie Monster

Me: "Jakob Cutler!  I saw what you just did.  You better tell your mommy or I will!"
Jakob: "Mommy.....someone stole half of my cookie, so I took another one."
Jessie: "I only gave you half of a cookie!!!!!"

Do it like they do on the discovery channel

Marion: " I wouldn't kick him out of bed unless he did it better on the floor...."

Ground Delivery

I got tired of Josh not listening to me and after sending him to his room 4 times, I finally decided he would get his first ever "grounding" and had to spend the rest of the evening in there.  This is what Tim found when he went to check on him.

*Yes, that is the doorstop relocated from the baseboard to the middle of the wall.

soy yummy!

Doodle bug

I kinda sorta heard some screaming in my head the other night that totally freaked me out.  In all fairness, I may have been dreaming and it may have been part of my dream.  But I made the mistake of telling Tim and A* about it and they won't let me live it down.

Me: "You have marker or some shit on your face"
A*: "I know, M* told me that earlier today.  The voices in your head must have been drawing on my face."

If they really were, I am sure it would have been way more explicate than a smudge. 

Date Night

Me: "My pee smells like popcorn sometimes."
A*: "Me pee smells like pizza tonight, we ate at Mellow Mushroom."
Me: "So it is like dinner and a movie in our pants?!?"

Dirty dancing

Josh made his transformers "dance"

Diaper genie

Angela: "oh no...josh you have an eyelash in your eye...make a wish..."
Josh: "I wish...."
Angela: "no....you say it to yourself then you blow the lash..."
Josh (whispering): "I wish......I could change diapers!!!!"

Gold Digger

Josh digging for pj's in the mountain of cleaned but not yet folded laundry.

Commando

Me: "don't forget to pull up your undies too."
Josh : "but I'm not wearing any underwear...(chuckles)"
Me: "oh my God, are you serious?"
Josh: "yeah....lol...all day I have gone without underwear...lol!"

The Tortoise and The Hare

Tim: "You found words much quicker than me.  It took me twenty minutes to find my three.  I should have found slow."

free range chicken

Josh (pushing the cart at Kroger): " I have to go grocery shopping. I need to get Waddles the organic chicken that he likes.  Lemme think what else... he also likes organic mac and cheese and organic broccol i and organic crackers.  Yep that's what he likes."

Rent a food

Tim: "Taco Bell would make Chinese 3 nights in a row."

One Size Fits...MOST

Tim: " tlbXL, that's my new nickname."

Recess

Brandon: "Im done with payroll...can we go outside & play?"

12 step program

Tim: "My belly button itches so bad!"
Me: "I told you I think it is Poison Ivy."
Tim: "I know.  I was in denial.  Now I am angry."

Night Owl

Josh: "I don't want to go to bed.  I want to be nocturnal.  Like a bat.  I want to sleep all day and play all night."

The Ozzman Cometh

"Paranoid" came on the radio.

Josh: "I. LOVE. BLACK. SABBATH."

The Doctor is in

Josh: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up....you know, like my doctors?!?"
Tim: "You mean a Pediatrician?"
Josh: "Yeah! A Pediatrician!  That's what I want to be when I grow up."
Me: "Well, whatever we can do to help you achieve that, we will."

*This is a big milestone for Josh in my opinion.  This is the first "I want to be a _____ when I grow up" statement he has ever made.  I am sure there will be many more - in many varying facets of potential occupations.  Everyday this kid amazes me.  I am sincerely a proud momma :)

Cookie Monster

Josh: "Daddy!!!!!  Daddy's home!!!  HIDE THE COOKIES!!!!"

And the winner is.....

Tim got the idea to let Josh play the lotto at Harris Teeter today since I was under budget by $5.  So, he got to insert the one dollar bill, select which ticket he wanted, and scratch off the ticket.  And won a buck! So, my lucky charm broke even.  Not too shabby!

As we are leaving after Tim gave Josh his winnings:

Tim: "From now on, you can pick - you can ride the dragon or play the lottery."
Josh: "Yeah."

Tourette Syndrome

"Betty Crocker" is my new "safe" word.

Snooki

Me (after getting ready for a hot date with Tim): "Do I look nice Josh?"
Josh: "Yeah Mommy!  You look like the girls on Jersey Shore!!!"

The Resurrection

*This is an oldie but goodie that Tim reminded of yesterday. 

Tim has a small mole on his right hip.  About where his pants sit.  A long time ago, when we first started dated I thought I noticed that it was missing in action.  He explained that sometimes his jeans rub it off, but it comes back.  So we nicknamed the mole "JC" because like Jesus Christ, the mole comes back after 3 days.

That's how I roll

Amber: "...well, you know how Tonja rolls."
Tim: "Off of her bike, but what does that have to do with this?"

Before relocation & surgery

After surgery & new hardware

Sarah Gilbert Godfrey

Josh (stalling during the bedtime routine as usual): "Can you help me find my other elephant?  I have 2...Gilbert is missing.  The other one is Zoo-E."
Me: "Gilbert?  Shoey?"
Josh: "No...I said Zoo-E....Say 'zoo'"
Me: "Zoo?  Like you see animals at the zoo?"
Josh: "Yes.  Now say 'E'"
Me: "'E'...Zoo-E?"
Josh: "Yes. So can you help me find Gilbert?"

He just made these names up. 

Bookworm

Josh: "Daddy...can you read me a book?  I am itchin' for a book.  I really am....itchin' for it!"

Catching some ZZZ's

Josh doesn't take naps anymore.  He just "chills" (He denies falling asleep.)

To the Batmobile!

Me (talking to Tim): "             is SO two faced!"

A couple of days later.....

Josh: "When are we going to see Batman and Two-Face?" (referring to the same person)

5 - O

Josh: "Mommy...Mommy....are you listening to me?  If you don't listen to me, I will call the police."
Me: "It is not a crime to not listen to you Josh."

He was whining and I was ignoring him.  He said he needed help doing the buttons up on his shirt, but I know he can do them, he just didn't want to.

Josh: "Well, you aren't listening, so I am going to go call the police now.  How would you like for the police to be here?  They will arrest you."
Me: "Ok.  Call them Josh, but it doesn't change anything.  I refuse to do this with you until you calm down and take the time to do up your button."

He walked down the hallway and back.

Josh: "The police said they will be here in a minute."

Earth Day

Tim gave Josh a hug on his way out the door to work this morning, like every morning. 

Josh: "Don't forget to pass my hug on to a tree."

My little tree hugger, just like Mommy :)

Kid Sister

Not a funny story, but a little bragging - Josh, Lily (the 15 month old little girl I watch), and I took a walk yesterday.  To make my life a little easier, I put Lily in the umbrella stroller.  Josh insisted on pushing her the whole way down our street and back, making sure he hit all of the shady spots.  It was so cute!  He kinda acts like a big brother to her.  I am so proud of the Booger. I have no doubt he will definitely turn out just as considerate and thoughtful as his Daddy.

He who smelt it, dealt it

When Josh has to let one rip now, he announces for everyone to "clip your noses!"  So courteous!

I've got rocks in my sock said the Ox to the Fox

Tim: "Josh, one of your socks are on backwards."
Josh: "On it!"
Josh: "I got 'On It!' from the girl on Dino Dan"

Gotham City

Josh: "Batman and Gamey are stuck in traffic."

Open Wide

Tim: "Don't worry about where you are going, just keep your mouth open"

*This is very out of context!  But was funny none the less...my hubby makes me giggle.

Marvel or DC?

Josh insists on being called "Super".  Nothing after it...just "Super".  (Kind of like "Frankenstein" on Big Daddy.)  His powers include "puffing really hard", "picking up walls", and "flying."

Skin So Soft

Me: "I want to squeeze the life out of my son"
Jennifer: "Ha, what is he doing to drive you crazy?"
Me: " (in a good way...like a giant hug) He took his shirt off and his skin is so f'in soft.  I want to snuggle up and rub my face in his neck...is that weird?"
Jennifer: "Are you sure they didn't give you X instead of Percocet?"

Mama Bear

Josh: "Don't forget to brush your teeth and stuff while I'm gone spending the night with Amber tonight....ok?"

Seymour Butts

Josh: "When will I have hair on my butt?"

*He is very concerned about butt hair lately.  This is not the first time he has asked this question.  He also is very concerned about facial hair.

Fingerling Potato

Josh (looking at Tim's hands): "You have tiny fingers."
Tim: "No I don't Josh."
Josh: "You do have tiny fingers.  I love you because you have tiny fingers."

Silent but deadly.

Me: "Josh!  What are you doing?"
Josh: "I'm trying to climb the wall.  I am a ninja.  I need to find a way to climb the wall.  Ninjas have sticky hands."

Our nightly routine

Josh: "Daddy, so far I love you."
Tim (chuckling...while I am cracking up in another room): "So far I love you too, Josh."

*This prompted Josh to fake laugh.

Tim: "You are just laughing because Mommy is laughing."
Josh: "No, I laughed first."

Tim: "Josh, go get dressed."
Josh: "Daddy, my balls are hanging out.  My balls are hanging out.  My balls are hanging out......MY BALLS ARE HANGING OUT......"
Tim: "Then fix them!"

*He pulls his underwear down a little too far.

Josh: "Now my pee pee is hanging out the top."

Josh: "Daddy, I want to tell you a secret...." 

*I am convinced the rest was not in English, but he walks into the room with his socks balled up in the crotch of his underwear.  This was all in a 10 minute time span. 

Golden shower

Josh (explaining the water cycle): "Sometimes, there is water in the air and it goes up to the trees, the tree drinks the water, then the tree pees, and it makes a river."
Me: "How does the tree pee?"
Josh: "When someone pokes a hole in it."

The Thunder from Down Under

Me: "Josh, it is ok to have fears, but it is not ok to over react."
Josh: "But the thunder scares me!"
Me: "It can't hurt you.  It is just a noise.  I listen to my music louder than the thunder outside right now."
Josh: "Well, we can get the cat piano (toy keyboard), turn up the volume, and that will solve the problem."
Me (very proud): "That is excellent problem solving Josh, but it is time for bed and that is not an option."
Josh: "Ok.  Well, we could turn my mobile (yes, he still has the music part of his mobile) on and that will solve the problem."
Me: "I am ok with that."

Respect my authority

Me (on a bike ride): "I just got bitched slapped by a tree!"
Tim: "Did it leave a mark?"

Parenthood

"If I could keep you little, I'd keep you close to me.
But then I'd miss you growing into who you're meant to be!" - Marianne Richmond

*My mom gave me and Josh a book today that was all about this.  I am having a really hard time letting go of some things, particularly Josh.  Of course the damn book me made cry like a baby.  But, I liked the message a lot.  Thank you mommy, I needed this.

I ♥ NY

Josh: "Maayyyybbbbeee...we can ride our bike to (whispering) New York!"

Pretty Please with a Cherry On Top?

Josh: "Daddy, I am mad at you for bringing me my water."
Tim: "Josh, I was doing you a favor."
Josh: "I didn't ask you for any favors.  I will do it every day from now on."

What a sassafrass!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Tim: "Josh, you can't have any more fruit until you eat some more chicken.  You can't have JUST fruit for dinner."
Josh (after hiding his chicken in the sauce): "Ok.  I ate my chicken.  May I have my fruit now?"
Tim: "Josh!  No You Didn't Eat Your Chicken!  You Just Hid It In Your Sauce!"
Josh: "Well, you weren't supposed to see that.  Close your eyes and then I will eat my chicken."

A Tucker Max story

Josh dropped a rubber ball in the toilet after he pooped at Amber's house.  Hilarity ensues.  It had to get fished out or it wouldn't flush.  Yes, I plastic bagged that bitch!

Letting 'The Led' out...part deux

"The Immigrant Song" came on the radio....(which was turned down)

Josh: "TURN UP THE RADIO NOW!!!!  THAT'S MY SONG!!!!"

I could not be prouder :)

p.s. Josh thinks he is Spiderman .  I can't count the number of times I have walked into the kitchen and he is halfway up the fridge holding on with his grippy toes.

Master Piece of Work

Coming home from Performance Bike Josh was inquiring why he was not going home with a new bike.  I told him because it wouldn't fit.

Josh:"Well, we can just take it apart and put it into pieces, put it in the trunk, then daddy can put it back in one piece when we get home."

I am very impressed with his problem solving skills.  Of course I am sure the sole fact it was a giant benefit to him had nothing to do with it.

Monsters under the bed

It has begun.  Josh's new definition of cleaning up his room involved him throwing shit under his bed.  Awesome. 

Something smells fishy

Josh thinks fish sticks are hush puppies.  Whatever it takes for him to eat them is fine by me!

“I’m a warrior…of the Jarhead clan.” (Jake)

Josh was lying on the floor putting two pillows on top of him lengthwise, covering himself up.
Me: "Josh, what are you doing?"
Josh: "Getting in the blue guy."
Me: "Um, ok...(shaking my head and walking away) weird...."

Then it dawned on me and I walked back to him.
Me: "You mean like in Avatar?"
Josh: "YEAH!" (He may as well have said 'DUH')

*He has only seen parts of this movie (as have I) and it has been a while.  What can I say, this kid has a excellent memory!

Surprise!

Josh's newest attempt to get me to fall asleep with him:

Me: "I love you.  I like you.  Goodnight."
Josh: "Wait!  (he puts my hair in front of my face) I have to cover your eyes.  Close your eyes.  I have a surprise."
Me (a minute later and opening my eyes): "What is it?"
Josh pretends to be sleeping.  Clever little booger was hoping I would wait long enough to fall asleep myself.
Josh: 'Shhhh.....sleep!"

Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner....

Me (while giving Josh a bath): "Something smells like cookies...did you fart Josh?"
Josh: "NO!"
Me: "Well, what does it smell like when you fart?"
Josh (thinking real hard): "Like......HOT DOGS!"

That's my boy.

Little Birdy

Me: "So, when you post a status update on Twitter, can people comment on it?"
Tim: "Oh My God Tonja....it is called a "tweet"....get with the lingo!

Bzzzzz...

Tim: "When you are not here...I run around naked.  That is how I get bug bites on my belly button!"

A message from God.

Jehovah's Witnesses came by our house today and dropped off a flyer.  An hour later.....

Josh (handing my the flyer): "Everyone is getting together tomorrow (Sun)."

Formula for disaster

Tim: "Hold on....let me open up AutoCAD."

*This is a running joke as Tim and my father make EVERYTHING more complex then they need to be.

Tim:  "Then we could have the drawing to scale and we wouldn't have to use Trig."

*This time, this is all referring to our pool set up.  I thought you just filled it up with water.

Hair of the Dog

Josh (following Tim into the garage): "What are you doing?"
Tim: "Getting a beer."
Josh: "I get thirsty for beer in the morning."

The exits are here, here, here, here....EVERYWHERE

Josh was playing with a ceramic skull Aunt Rene made for Tim.  He was trying to shove a Trio block into the opening on the bottom (where a neck would attach)

Me: "What are you doing?"
Josh: "Trying to put this in his butthole."
Me: "Josh, buttholes are exit only.  Plus, I don't want you to break that."

A couple of minutes later, Josh is trying to shove the rubber stopper from his piggy bank in the same openning.

Me: "Okay....now what are you doing?"
Josh: "Trying to make sure nothing goes in his butthole."

"Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep." - Mahatma Gandhi

We are rough-housing a little before bed time tonight.  Josh is acting especially silly so all three of us are cutting up and cracking up.  Then Josh puts his arm around my neck and says:

Josh: "SLEEP.  GO TO SLEEP."

Yep...my kid tried putting me in a sleeper hold.  How does he know about this shit? 

Your breath is so bad... when you talk your teeth duck.

Josh: "Can I smell your breath?"
Me: "Um...ok......"

*So, I breathe on his face

Josh: "Ewww.....your breath is funky.  Probably because you drank a soda.  Can I smell it again?"

Ridin' Dirty

Chris: "Hey man, the rental car is like a hooker.  I plan on getting my money's worth."

The early bird gets the worm.

Tim: "It's all fun and games until someone gets beamed in the head with a Gloworm"

Metal Mouth

Me: "Do you know why Daddy wears a retainer?  If you had to take a guess, what would you say it was for?"
Josh: "I think....it is to protect his teeth."
Me: "Actually, it is to keep his teeth straight, but that is REALLY smart!"

Forgetaboutit

Josh: "Mommy, I have a hangnail on my big toe, can you take care of it for me?"
Me: "Sure thing.  Go grab me the clippers."

Me: "While I am doing this, I am going to take care of clipping the rest of your nails, ok?"
Josh (a couple of toes later): "MA!  You're killin' me!!!  I'm watching Jersey Shore here!!!"

* I was watching Jersey Shore when he came in with the clippers.

Party Animal

I decided to spend some 'me' time and head to Old Navy for some retail therapy.  Heading out, and leaving Tim alone with Josh to put to bed....

Me: "Give me kisses.  How many girls are you going to invite after I am gone?"
Josh: "1..2..3..4..There's Jasmine and Anabel and Ella and Harleigh"
Me: "Wow.  What are you guys going to do?"
Josh: "Just trash the place."

Caterpillar

Josh: "Look Mommy!  I made a bulldozer!"

Working on the Chain Gang

Me: "Some dude is in my ditch...what is he doing?"
Rene: "Does he have a county suit on?"
Me: "You mean like an orange jump suit?"

This is the United States calling...are we reaching?

Tim was reading "The Children's Bible" to Josh.  I dunno, Josh picked it out, but whatever.  Meanwhile, I was putting away Josh's laundry I just folded...

Tim: "And they prayed to....BABY JESUS."

Me: "Ha Ha Ha...why did you emphasize BABY JESUS?  It sounded funny."
Tim: "Are you picking on my reading?  This is why I hate reading books to him."
Me: "NO!!!  Not at all!!!  You read a lot better than you think you do.  I was laughing at the way you emphasized BABY JESUS.  All monotone like.  Almost like one of those fill in the blank recordings.  Do you know what I am talking about?"
Tim: "Would you like to receive a collect call from...BABY JESUS?"
Me (in hysterical laughter): "YES!!!!  Just like that!!!"

Al Bundy

Me: "Josh, get you hand out of your pants."
Josh (preceding toward me with open hands): "Fine!  Than I am going to get you dirty.  Dirty and smelly!"

*Yes, he did what you are thinking he did....he wiped his crotch hands all over me.  Gross.

So Fresh and So Clean

*Josh went to his room (on his own) to "cool down" after he got upset when I told him to stop hanging on me.

Josh (walking out of his room): "I am ok now.  Can we start fresh?  Do you know what 'fresh' means?"

Stink bug

Angela: "Do you see Gandpa Fetterhoff?"
Josh: "Yeah.  He farts up a storm. He farts in our house.  He farts in the car.  He farts everywhere.  He has a stinky butt!"

Hot Mama

Josh "Yo Baby! What's up?"
Tim: "You are supposed to say that to cute girls."
Me: "Yeah Josh...so next time we are at the store and the cashiers are flirting with you, don't be so shy."
Josh: "You are a cute girl, Mommy.  That's why I said Yo Baby!  What's up?"

Dream a little dream.

In our everyday morning ritual, one of the first things I do is wash Josh's face - gotta get the eye boogies out.

Josh: "You are wiping my dreams away."

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck

Josh: "Mommy, will you sleep with me?"
Me: "Aww, Josh....why do you want me to sleep with you?"
Josh: "Because my duck doesn't talk anymore.  He is dead.  Somebody killed him."
Me (very sad and confused that he would say this): "What happened?"
Josh: "I'm just kidding."
Me: "Well...Josh Daddy would be very sad if I didn't sleep with him"
Josh: "Well...Daddy can sleep with Waddles and you can sleep with me.  Problem solved."

Get to the point.

Me: "Tim, please be careful., I have a bad scrape on my forefinger."
Tim: "I have ten fingers."

5 minutes later.....

Me: "See my scrape.  I told you so."
Tim: "Oh wait....your pointer finger is your forefinger?  Oh, that makes more sense.  I really thought you were just playing around saying you only have four fingers."

Cutting the cheese

Josh: "I fart crackers. You fart cheese mommy.  So, you fart on my fart and we can have cheese and crackers!"

"I've Got Big Balls..." - AC/DC

Josh: "My balls are back."  (He is taking a bath while apparently examining his balls.)
Me:"Back from where?"
Josh: "From my tummy."
Me: "Why were they in your tummy?"
Josh: "Because they were lost.  But I found them.  My balls are back."

Someone thinks he is funny.

Me: "Ok.  I am done.   Venting."
Tim: "Ok.  I am done.  Listening."

The doctor is in...

Angela: "Josh, where did you get that cool sticker?"
Josh: "It's Wolverwine (whispering)...and I got him at the piggy bank doctor."

*He means the bank.

Chicken Little

Josh: "Can we take Waddles to the doctor?  He is sick."
Me: "Why?  What's going on with him?"
 Josh: "He ate some raw chicken.  Can you check his throat?"

While on the subject of Waddles, Josh insists that he wears pajamas.  He does not like being naked anymore!  So, in an effort to accommodate a concerned little boy and a naked duck, I go on a hunt for an outfit.  Apparently there are NO boy or even gender neutral doll clothing in all of Fuquay Varina (which is limited to a Walmart).  Needless to say, I had to buy a freaky baby doll, rips the clothes off of her, and snatch her accessories (bed, pillow, and teddy bear as well as a diaper bag, bib, bottle, food, and dishes.).....which are also pink.  The freaky (now naked) baby doll went to Lily, Waddles has clothes, and Josh is happy. This has also brought about a very important learning lesson - it is ok for boys to wear pink.

Freak on a Leash

My mom (playing Guitar Hero with Tim and me): "I have never heard this song before.  I don't recognize it."
Me: "So, do you like it?"
My mom: "Yeah.  I do."
Me: "I can't believe you like Korn!"
My mom: "Well, I like it better than broccoli..."

Oh No!.....This is SEAWEEIOUS

Me (noticing I can't find anything because Tim was an awesome husband and emptied the dishwasher): "Josh, tell Daddy he RUINED the kitchen!"
Josh: "DADDY!!!!  You ruined the kitchen."
Tim: "Ha. Ha."
Josh: "It isn't funny Daddy."
Me (in between laughing hysterically): "Thank you Josh!"
Josh: "You're welcome."

Pimple Power

Me: "Josh, your cheek looks great, the A&D worked!"
Josh: "NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!  Why did you take my pimple away?  I just want to have it back!!!!  Put it back on my face!!  Let me have my pimple BACK!!  I am mad at you for taking my pimple away."

Overkill

Russ: "What did Santa bring you Josh?"
Josh: "I can't tell you.  There was too much."

*In all fairness, I think Josh was right.

Self Assertion

Josh: "I need to calm down.  Everybody go away!"

Yo! MTV Raps

Tim: "....and another thing, we really need to do the tutorials on how to rap."

*for the SingStar.  But he was really serious when he said it.