Motorboating

Josh: "MANBOOBS!!! MANBOOBS!!! MANBOOBS"

Virtual Reality

Josh (pointing at the computer monitor): "When I was born, I was in there."
Oh really? How did you get out of that? I bet labor was a bitch!

I wish I was little bit taller, I wish I was a baller I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat..

Me: "We need to put these chocolate covered strawberries up really high in the fridge so a certain somebody can't reach them."
Josh: "Yeah. I know. So daddy can't reach them."

What a ham!

Tim: "It's not a party until someone brings the lunch meat."

Corporal Punishment

Josh: "Smack me on the naked butt."

Stop, Drop, and Roll

Josh (completely random): "My butt is on fire."
Tim says this makes him think of that Kings of Leon song "Sex on Fire"
Great. Now this is stuck in my head.

To the BatMobile....

Josh: "You are Batman. I am Robbie."

Poker Face

Let me set the scene..because this part is crucial...
While we were taking our routine 3-4 mile bike ride after dinner, Josh fell asleep in the trailer. We get home and he won't even wake up enough to get himself out. Tim picks him up and hands him to me and he is literally snoring in my ear. Now, it is 8:00pm = bath time, so between Tim and I we are trying everything under the sun to get Josh to wake up so we can give him a bath. Tim tells Josh to stand up on our bed so he can get him undressed, (his eyes are still closed), and Josh falls back like dead weight on the bed. He thinks this is funnier than the time kitty got his tongue stuck in his collar (which was yesterday, so his time frame for entertainment is short...I mean, he IS 2). Like a light switch, JOSH IS AWAKE....and wound tighter than a top. He is bare ass naked, jumping around, flailing his arms, kicking his legs, shaking his boy bits, bobbing his head back and forth and side to side, bug-eyed, "singing" in a language humans are unaware of....it was definitely not English....he stops dead in his tracks, panting...

Josh: "That was Lady GaGa."

Well....now we know what to look out for.

Fandango

Me: "Josh, if we went to the movies, would you sit thru it quietly?"
Josh: "Yeah, they turn the lights out at the movies."
Me: "They do! And we can eat popcorn...."
Josh: "and tomatoes....and zucchini...."
Is this what I have to do to get him to eat his veggies?

I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.

Josh (Tim and I were both pretty sure he was already asleep for the night because he went down 20 mins prior): "Daddy! I want some cccaaaannnnnddddyyy....."

Which is better? Number 1? or Number 2?

Josh (to me sitting on the potty): "Are you going number 5?"
How do explain this one?

Do you need a 'time out'?

Josh had forgotten he put Waddles in his bike trailer before dinner when he was helping Tim put my new "big butt" bike seat on.
Josh (after dinner, getting in his trailer, on our way out the door for our nightly bike ride): "Waddles, what are you doing in there? Are you in 'time out'?"

Uh, Sir, I am going to need to see some ID for that...

We were in Harris Teeter doing some quick grocery shopping. Tim was with Josh and I, which is out of the ordinary. Josh was pushing around one of those "customer in training" carts, so I told him to go get daddy some beer. He made a B-line straight for the Yuengling without the slightest hesitation and proceeded to pick up a 12pk. I was in complete awe and was laughing so hard. Based on his display of excellent memory skills, I think I need to stop walking around naked in front of him...the kid is going to have "mommy issues".

I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog too!

Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish; How many pieces do you wish?

Josh (in the car on the way to the store): "I want some bubble gum. Can I have some bubble gum, please?"
Me: "Not right now. I don't have any."
Josh: "Pppppllllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeee......"
Me: "Josh, I said No, please stop whining. I don't have any gum."
Josh: "You KNOW you do, man. In your purse. I saw it."

He gives up, at least for now.

1 hour later..... (in my best SpongeBob voice)

Josh (sitting in the cart, digging in my purse as we are checking out): "See. There is the gum I was talking about. "