Hamburgler

This one is from a while ago...but we just remembered it.

Tim (Trying to decide where to pick up lunch): "Do you guys have any Cook-Outs up here."
The cashier lady working at at the Bloom (a grocery store) in Woodbridge, VA: "We have them all the time during the summer."

L. M. N. O. PEE

Josh: "Daddy!  Waddles peed on my green pillow. It is wet."
Tim: "Just turn it over and go back to sleep."

Surgeon General's Warning

Josh: "Let me see her fireblower."

*He was referring to someone who was smoking a cigarette.

Sixth Sense

Sometimes Josh "sees" people that Tim and I don't.  I don't know if they are imaginary friends he has created or something else.  I do believe children are more open to seeing things that as adults we block out and choose not to see. 
He has seen a man in our front yard.  He has told us his Grandpa Buchanan's Grandma told him to "bless us" one night at dinner.  He did see a girl who drove a black car who wasn't nice to him.  She would "yell at him" and "pinch him".  I never saw any evidence of this. 
When I started watching Jonathan he stopped saying he was seeing people that we weren't.  So, I kinda blew it off as him making up imaginary friends to keep himself occupied because he is an only child.
But recently it has started back up.  There are two girls, both named "Sally".  They visit him pretty frequently.  He tells me they hug and kiss and play together and they read to him.  He calls them his "girlfriends"  Only one visits him at a time.  He says that they are 5 years old and have long blond hair and live in a high school.  He tells me they are at home most of the time.  They seem to be harmless whether they are real or not. 
It really freaks me out!

Sticky Icky

Josh: "Wipe me up please!"
Me: "Wow Josh, that is some serious velcro poop!"
Josh: "I know.  It is like I ate a shoe."
Me: "Um, ok.  Why?  Oh!  Because some shoes have velcro on them."
Josh: "Yeah!"

xoxo

Me: "I don't feel too good Josh"
Josh: "I am going to give you a kiss.  How about that?  Will that make you feel better?  I bet it will!"

Has he lost his mind?

Josh: "Look Mommy!  I. AM. IRON MAN!"

*This is my Notary Stamp

Winter Wonderland

Josh thinks the frosting on Mini-Wheats is snow.

Paper Bagging It

Tim: "Do you have a brown paper bag I can have?"
The lady @ the Kangaroo gas station: "Wow...she's that bad?"

*Josh had vomited in the car

Politically Correct

Me: "He knows A LOT....I wouldn't say he was smart though....he is a republican."

Band Name Generator

Josh: "A-O"
Tim: "Who are you?  Brett Michaels?  Are you a front man in a band?"
Josh: "Yeah."
Tim: "What's tha name of your band?"
Josh: "Elmo Has A Hat.  That is the name of my band."

Josh - 1, Me - 0

Let me paint a picture:  The room was silent after a yelling match Josh and I got into regarding him jumping on the couch on top of the clothes I JUST folded...and there I was...staring him down...asserting dominance...waiting for an apology.  Josh was looking everywhere but at me and rubbing his nose violently like he had a wicked booger...

Me: "Josh, what are you doing?  Do you have a problem?  Do you need a tissue?"
Josh: "No.  I have a monster in my nose."

I wanted to laugh, but was standing my ground....still staring him down....I was about to tell him that I didn't think he was being very funny when he said this...

Josh: "OK.  I don't really have a monster in my nose.  I was just kidding.  Do you guys have monsters in your nose?  Nevermind, I was still just messing around."

I had lost and broke out in laughter. 

Letting 'The Led' out

Any doubt that Josh is indeed a product of me was thrown out the window today.

Josh: "Jonathan, let's sing 'The Immigrant Song'....Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!  Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!  Come to the land of the ice and snow...something, something.....I don't know the rest."

How you like me now?

The Great Outdoors

I was raking the backyard yesterday.  I found Josh and Jonathan sitting around one of my piles of pine straw.  They were each holding a stick with a single big leaf on the end. 

Me: "What are you guys doing?"
Josh: "Sitting around a fire."
Jonathan: "My marshmallow." (indicating so by raising his stick)

I guess this is what happens when you take toys away for a day.  Creativity at its finest.  I think we may have more toy-free days in the future.

Privacy please

Josh: "I LOVE YOU MOMMY PUMPKIN!!!!  Do you see my pee pee?"

*He was butt naked just out of a bath. 

Loose Change

Me: "So, what are those in your hand?"
Josh (putting dimes in his piggy bank): "A handful."

The doctor is in...

Josh: "A long time ago, I wanted another baby.  So, maybe if I cough, I will go to the doctor and the baby will come out.  So.....you need to go to the doctor when you are a baby."

*We were just talking about Harleigh's arrival.  We are SO excited for Joanna!!!

Baby it's cold outside.

Josh (sipping on a milkshake): "I am freezing my balls off!"

Pizza! Pizza!

Josh likes to make up songs as his day goes along.

Josh: "I like pizza all the time.  I like pizza when it's dark outside."

Lights come standard. Laces optional.

Josh got these preschool brain teaser cards from his Grandma Buchanan.  They rock!  They ask questions I would never think to ask and quite honestly I have been blown away at how many of these Josh is getting dead right without hesitation.  They are geared for 4-5 year olds.  (I am a proud mommy and had to gloat a little). 

One of the cards had a picture of a Chuck Taylor looking shoe missing the laces.
Me: "Josh, what is this shoe missing?"
Josh: "Lights."

Life is full of choices.

So, we like to give Josh "options".  It seems to let him think he is in control, but it is always a win/win situation for us.  Both options we are ok with.  It has helped a lot with putting out fires before they start.  But sometimes it backfires.

Tim (trying to put Josh to bed): "No toys. Go to bed."
Josh: "Ok.  You have TWO options.  You can let me play in the playroom OR you can let me sleep in the bed with you."
Tim changes the subject thinking he can dodge this one and all will be forgotten.  HA!
Josh: "Um, daddy....we WERE discussing your options."

Verizon commercial

Josh (while learning how to use Tim's walkie talkie): "Hello?  HELLO!!!!  Can you hear me now?"

Chopsticks

Josh: "So, is this like a Chinese fork?"

Missing my calling.

I was compared to a rodeo clown today on our 9 mile bike ride. When things get too serious, I just jump out there and make an ass of myself by doing something stupid....Like, oh, I don't know, almost getting into a head on collision with another biker. One of those "serious" bikers. You know the ones...they were helmets and say things like "on your left" when they pass. I aim to entertain.

Short story

Me: "I ran over a stick.  The end."

Fireworks in my mouth

Me (while brushing his teeth): "Spit."
Josh: "So, my spit is like fireworks."
Me: "How?"
Josh: "Because when I spit, it goes *poof*"

Frogs, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails

Josh: "Give me a juicy hug mommy."
As I am giving him a huge hug goodnight he makes this noise (it is supposed to be a fart I squeezed out of him) that sounds like a machine gun.  Like he is rolling his tongue somehow but up against his teeth.
Me: "How are you making that noise?"
Josh: "Because it is boy stuff."

To my anonymous web stalker...

Get a life.  You obviously have some serious problems.  It is comical yet sad at the same time that you anonymously post negative comments to my blog.  I don't know which is worse - the fact that you have nothing better to do than obsess over what I am up to, the fact that you are completely chicken shit, or the fact that you must be a complete dumbass to think that I would let the comments be posted publicly. 

Wanna get high?

Josh: "Pass the weed."
Tim: "What?!?"
Josh: "Pass the weed....to the rrriiiigggghhhhttt"

******It is now time to STOP listening to Kottonmouth Kings in the car when Josh is with me.******

One Liners

Me: "What's up, chicken butt?"
Josh: "If I'm a chicken butt, you can eat me for dinner."

This is something that has been going back and forth for several weeks now.

So has this one:

Me: "Hey...Fill in the blank"
Josh: "Hey is for horses."

What have I created?  Little copycat.  This is my favorite and should be my most shameful, but gives me the most giggles:

Josh: "Tough titty said the kitty."

Lastly:

Me: "Josh, what do you say to pretty ladies?"
Josh: "Yo baby!  What's up?"

We also give "good hugs" now.  This is where you squeeze so tight a fart comes out.   We usually just pretend and make a "fart" noise...usually.  They are called "juicy hugs" when the real deal happens.

Making a bit of a stink.

Josh: "WIPE ME UUUUPPPPP....."
Me: "Woah.  You stink!"
Josh: "Yeah, I pooped.  I had a lot to eat.  I had all of my favorites.  I pooped out all my food.  Pop tarts.  Cookies.  Milk.  A bar...and french fries."

Game On!

So, on our bike ride tonight my bike and I got into a fight with a stationary trash can.  The trash can won.  It seriously was like a remake of  the scene in "Wayne's World" where Stacy (Psycho Hose Beast) flips her bike over a parked car while her head was turned talking to Wayne.  I was Stacy, my mom was Wayne, and the trash can was the parked car.

Diggin for Gold.

Me: "Ewww....you have some kinda nasty up in your nose."
Josh: "Yeah.  Boogies.  You should probably take my nose off and put a new one on."

"Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!" - Homer Simpson

Me (while reading "The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog"): "So, what does a hot dog taste like to you?"
Josh: "Ketchup."

Cousin It

Me (While Josh is taking my hair and covering my face with it): "Josh, what are you doing??
Josh: "Covering up your face.  It's like a helmet.  Is it dark in there?"

Not Tha Momma

Josh (sticking his fingers in my mouth trying to push my buttons): "Don't bite my fingers, you are not a dinosaur!!!"

How does he know?

Baby Got Back

Josh (while Tim is drying him off from a shower): "Are you looking at my BUTT?"

Chickity Chinese the Chinese Chicken

Tim: "Tonja, tell me what Josh is saying...I can't understand him"
Me: "Josh what are you talking about?"
Josh: "I want blah blah blah (some word we can't understand but kinda sounded like duck) sauce & chicken for dinner."
Me: "You want duck sauce and chicken for dinner?"
Josh: "EEEWWWW....YUCK!! That's gross!!!  No....I said....blah blah blah (some word that we can't understand but still sounds like he is saying duck) sauce & chicken!"

*The face he made was so sincere.

*For the record....we are still not sure what he is talking about.

Waterboy

Josh: "I can't have some water when I am butt-NECKED"

Proud Mamma

Me: "Josh, would you like some water?"
Josh: "No, but thank you for asking."

*I know this one isn't funny. But his response melted my heart. On his own, without any persuasion....just like a polite little man. I am so proud of my kiddo. He truly blows me away on a daily basis. I constantly have doubts about whether or not I am doing the right thing with Josh - Am I too hard on him? Am I not hard enough? I don't want a bratty shithead. He is an only child. I don't want to screw this up. This is his life, not mine, that I am molding. Cover your mouth when you cough, say "please" and "thank you", SHARE, close the toilet lid, say "excuse me" when you burp and fart, etc. This is one he did ALL on his own. Wow.

Team RamRod

Me (as Josh is ramming the door into his easel): "Josh! You don't have to ram that!"
Josh: "SORRY....I don't mean to. But I'll do it again."
He does it again.

Bend It Like Beckham

Tim: "Who drew on your soccer ball Josh?"
Josh: "I did. It's an autograph."

Up, Up, and Away...off to tomorrow?

Me (while reading The Foot Book): "Up feet......What's the opposite of up?"
Josh: "Tomorrow."

"Get in my bel-lay" ~ Fat Bastard

Josh: "Mommy, I want back in your belly."
Me: "Why?"
Josh: "Because."
Me: "Well, you won't fit anymore. You were just in there long enough to grow"
Josh: "Oh. So I am too big now?"
Me: "Yeah."
Josh: "Oh. Yeah. Ok."

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Josh: "You use a chainsaw for trees, and grass, and birds, and houses...I'm not talking about grandma and grandpa's house, I'm talking about other houses. Ok?"

ROYGBIV

Josh: "Tonight is a blue-less dinner"
(I always joke about hating having "yellow" dinners)

"The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine. " ~John Howard

Josh (sitting in the trailer behind Tim on our nightly bike ride): "Daddy, when you go to work everyday, it really makes me cough at night. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. And, ugh..I go through this everyday. I see no tunnels. No deer. There was no baby deer."
Me: "Tim, what is he talking about?"
Tim: "I don't know. He is philosophizing and bitching about life."

*Josh has allergies and coughs at night if they are really bad or if he doesn't get any Zyrtec for the day.

*On a previous bike ride, scoping out the American Tobacco Trail, we told Josh next time we go, when we have more time, we will be going through a tunnel.

*We see deer occasionally on our bike rides. Even baby ones.

Fill 'er up!

Tonight we went to the fireworks in Holly Springs. Tonight was also Josh's first experience with Gatorade. He didn't share Tim's drink with Tim. An entire 20oz of Gatorade later (and right before the fireworks started) Josh REALLY had to pee. The little trooper held it in thru the firework display and the long walk to the car....when I pulled his junk out and put it in the empty Gatorade bottle. There was NO hesitation on his end. No lie, he filled it 1/3 of the way up.

(The Gatorstache)

Josh's Deli

For some reason recently, in the shower Josh runs a Deli. He will make any sandwich you want (as long as it looks like a folded up washrag)
Josh: "Look Daddy, I made you a sandwich."
Tim: "What's on it?"
Josh: "I put frozen meat on it. So, I need to put it on the grill"

My love affair with Gorilla Glue

Josh: "Look, mommy, Look..I broke my momolycle"
Me: "uh oh. You know what we are going to have to get...right?"
Josh: "Yep. Gorilla Glue."

Ice, Ice, Baby

Josh (rubbing his hands together after opening up the fridge): "Brrr...My hands are cold. I am brushing the cold off. Look, it is all gone now."

Walk the plank

Josh: "Pee Pee's are pirates."
(Arrrggghh Matey)

Motorboating

Josh: "MANBOOBS!!! MANBOOBS!!! MANBOOBS"

Virtual Reality

Josh (pointing at the computer monitor): "When I was born, I was in there."
Oh really? How did you get out of that? I bet labor was a bitch!

I wish I was little bit taller, I wish I was a baller I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat..

Me: "We need to put these chocolate covered strawberries up really high in the fridge so a certain somebody can't reach them."
Josh: "Yeah. I know. So daddy can't reach them."

What a ham!

Tim: "It's not a party until someone brings the lunch meat."

Corporal Punishment

Josh: "Smack me on the naked butt."

Stop, Drop, and Roll

Josh (completely random): "My butt is on fire."
Tim says this makes him think of that Kings of Leon song "Sex on Fire"
Great. Now this is stuck in my head.

To the BatMobile....

Josh: "You are Batman. I am Robbie."

Poker Face

Let me set the scene..because this part is crucial...
While we were taking our routine 3-4 mile bike ride after dinner, Josh fell asleep in the trailer. We get home and he won't even wake up enough to get himself out. Tim picks him up and hands him to me and he is literally snoring in my ear. Now, it is 8:00pm = bath time, so between Tim and I we are trying everything under the sun to get Josh to wake up so we can give him a bath. Tim tells Josh to stand up on our bed so he can get him undressed, (his eyes are still closed), and Josh falls back like dead weight on the bed. He thinks this is funnier than the time kitty got his tongue stuck in his collar (which was yesterday, so his time frame for entertainment is short...I mean, he IS 2). Like a light switch, JOSH IS AWAKE....and wound tighter than a top. He is bare ass naked, jumping around, flailing his arms, kicking his legs, shaking his boy bits, bobbing his head back and forth and side to side, bug-eyed, "singing" in a language humans are unaware of....it was definitely not English....he stops dead in his tracks, panting...

Josh: "That was Lady GaGa."

Well....now we know what to look out for.

Fandango

Me: "Josh, if we went to the movies, would you sit thru it quietly?"
Josh: "Yeah, they turn the lights out at the movies."
Me: "They do! And we can eat popcorn...."
Josh: "and tomatoes....and zucchini...."
Is this what I have to do to get him to eat his veggies?

I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.

Josh (Tim and I were both pretty sure he was already asleep for the night because he went down 20 mins prior): "Daddy! I want some cccaaaannnnnddddyyy....."

Which is better? Number 1? or Number 2?

Josh (to me sitting on the potty): "Are you going number 5?"
How do explain this one?

Do you need a 'time out'?

Josh had forgotten he put Waddles in his bike trailer before dinner when he was helping Tim put my new "big butt" bike seat on.
Josh (after dinner, getting in his trailer, on our way out the door for our nightly bike ride): "Waddles, what are you doing in there? Are you in 'time out'?"

Uh, Sir, I am going to need to see some ID for that...

We were in Harris Teeter doing some quick grocery shopping. Tim was with Josh and I, which is out of the ordinary. Josh was pushing around one of those "customer in training" carts, so I told him to go get daddy some beer. He made a B-line straight for the Yuengling without the slightest hesitation and proceeded to pick up a 12pk. I was in complete awe and was laughing so hard. Based on his display of excellent memory skills, I think I need to stop walking around naked in front of him...the kid is going to have "mommy issues".

I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog too!

Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish; How many pieces do you wish?

Josh (in the car on the way to the store): "I want some bubble gum. Can I have some bubble gum, please?"
Me: "Not right now. I don't have any."
Josh: "Pppppllllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeee......"
Me: "Josh, I said No, please stop whining. I don't have any gum."
Josh: "You KNOW you do, man. In your purse. I saw it."

He gives up, at least for now.

1 hour later..... (in my best SpongeBob voice)

Josh (sitting in the cart, digging in my purse as we are checking out): "See. There is the gum I was talking about. "

Don't bite the hand that feeds you

Josh (handing me a basket full of fake food): "Eat your food! Use your spoon. Eat your food! Do you want me to take it away? Do you want BBQ sauce on it? There. I put BBQ sauce on it."

Say Cheese!

Josh (after watching me lie my head on Tim's shoulder): "You guys are funny. Wait! Let me go get the camera."

No. Go to bed.

Josh (right after closing the door to his bedroom for the night): "MOMMY!!! MOMMY!"
Tim: "What's wrong Josh?"
Josh: "You're not mommy."
Me: "What's wrong Josh?"
Josh: "Are you ok?"
Me: "Yes. Go to bed."
Josh:"Did daddy hit you?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh: "Did daddy bite you?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh: "Did daddy bless you?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh: "Did you hit yourself?"
Me: "No. Go to bed."
Josh still is still grilling me as Tim and I shut the door.

Houston we have a problem...

Tim: "If you filled a spaceship full of weed and sent it to the sun, would it burn up and get the whole world high? That is a reference to a movie or something, right? I don't know. No....that would just be a waste of weed....and a spaceship."
You read that right...Tim NOT me said this.

Think of two completely unrelated items...yep, that is what Josh did.

Josh: "My tummy hurts and it smells like CHI-NEEZE outside."

Oh I wish I was an Oscar Mayer weenie...

Josh (20 minutes after we put him to bed): "Daddy!!! Daddy!!!"
Me (Tim is playing PS3, so I go in to check on Josh): "What's wrong, Josh?"
Josh: "Are you a weenie like Will is a weenie?"
Me: "No. Ha. Ha. Ha."
Josh: "You ARE a weenie. And daddy is a weenie. Just like I am a weenie."
Me: "No. You are a honey bunny."
Josh: "A honey bunny weenie."

oooo.....ahhhh.....pretty lights

Josh (leaving the airport observation deck): "I want to see more airplanes."
Multiply this by about 20 or so...and we were still technically in the airport.
Tim (pointing at a construction sign): "Look Josh, flashing lights!!!!"
Me: "WTF Tim? Really?"
Josh is staring at the sign with his jaw dropped....mesmerized.
Tim: "What?!? He stopped asking about the airplanes didn't he?"
Ah. The simple things.

Phoning a friend

This is pretty self explanatory...he calls everyone now...it is an everyday thing.

When life give you lemons...make lemonade...and you had better share with Josh

Josh (after trying lemonade for the first time): "I just want a sip more....HEY MAN...we need to SHARE!"
A cup full of just ice later...
Josh: "I like the taste of lemonade in my mouth."

Excuse me

Josh (after hogging all of my lemonade): "My tummy is FULL!!"
Me: "Oh yeah? Maybe you need to burp or something."
Josh: "Yeah. My belly is full of Mandy and you and Amber. I will burp you out in the shower."
If you haven't caught on....my. kid. is. weird. And has a thing for Mandy and Amber, but this is nothing new.

You're not a member of the FDIC?

Tim gave Josh some change to put in his piggy bank.
Me: "What are you going to buy with all of that money Josh?"
Josh: "A new money box. With monkeys, elephants, turtles, and giraffes."
Me: "Are you talking about buying another piggy bank with your money? Why? What is wrong with this one?"
Josh: "It is too heavy."

OSHA Regulations

Josh (completely random): "I really hope it isn't slippery."
Me: "What are you talking about, baby?"
Josh: "The toilet seat."
Truthfully, I think he was stalling. It was nap time.

Open your eyes Tonja

Me (to Tim): "I don't think I know any guy who has a girl-daughter."
wtf? I took biology.

The doctor is in

Josh (to Tim): "I NEED ice cream. It makes my tummy feel better every day."

Oh No! There goes Tokyo

Me (While I am pushing Josh on the swing): "You are such a monster....Joshzilla!"
Josh: "No, you're a monster! A mommy monster..."
Me: "What's Daddy?"
Josh: "A daddy monster. Daddy monsters give me money."

Hide and Seek

Josh (while in the shower): "Mommy. Mommy. MOMMMMYYYY!!!! Can you find my pee pee? It's hiding!"

Home Depot - The next Radio Shack

Josh (as I am getting him in the car): "Are we going to Home Depot?"
Me: "No. Why? Do you want to go to Home Depot?"
Josh: "We have to get batteries for my robot tomorrow."

My little mommy

Josh: "Put your head on my shoulder. Close your eyes. I need to sing you 'Mary had a Little Lamb'"

No one puts mommy in the corner

Me (grocery shopping and realizing they were out of frozen organic blueberries): "DAMN!"
Josh: "Damn is a bad word. Go to time out...RIGHT NOW!"

Who are the dirstiest animals on the farm?

Josh (running up and down the hallway butt ass naked): "Brown chicken. Brown cow. Brown Chicken. Brown cow."

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Josh: "Oh. My. God. My butthole is SOOOOOO dirty!!!"

Tim the Food Critic

Tim: "I know what a parfait is...it's that thing from McDonalds."
Wow. Normally I have some sort of funny Josh-ism, but Tim took the cake this time. Twice in one day.
Me (I made strawberry sorbet): "Do you like it?"
Tim: "It tastes like frozen jelly."

Gold Digger

Josh (while digging in Tim's pants): "You got monies for me?"
Tim: "No."
Josh: "What about the other pocket?"

I'm waiting...

Josh (while on the shitter): "Wait for it...wait for it..."
What comes next is the sound of a giant turd plunging into the water beneath his ass.

A word not in my vocabulary

Josh (after receiving a handful of M&Ms from me): "STUPENDOUS"
Seriously, what 2 year old says this?

Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, & Watch

Tim: "I dunno Tonja....I never sat in a corner with a rosary."
Me: "You are supposed to sit in a corner?"

Wants vs. Needs

Me (while reading 'The Pigeon Wants a Puppy' to Josh): "If you could have anything, what would you want?"
Josh: "REALLY big hot dogs, REALLY big sandwiches, and REALLY big robots."

Clean Freak

Me: "Josh, what are you doing?"
Josh: "Picking lint off of my pizza."
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Josh: "See...." (It was spices.)

Shit happens

Me: "Do you think perhaps the next time you decide to shit your pants, you could give me a heads up?"
Josh: "Perhaps."

Positive Reinforcements

Josh: "If you behave mommy, I will give you a bubble bath tonight."

Cat Scratch Fever

Josh: "Aaaaahhhh....Mommy....mommy....mommy...kitty hurt me!!!"
Me: "Did he bite you?"
Josh: "No, he just hit me."
Me: "Did you deserve it?"
Josh (laughing): "YYYEEESSSS"