The force is strong with this one

Tim:"when I have to chase you down the hallway to get a duck and a light saber, that is interrupting!"

Byob

Waitress:"would you like another drink?"
Toni:" yes, what is better?"

Aka

Tim:"...he's just an asshole who just so happens to be willing to hang out with me."

For whom the bell tolls

Josh:"why is that man ringing a bell?"
Tim:"because he wants money."
Josh:"well, I want money, can I ring a bell?"

Standing ovation

On the rode home from dropping Lorenzo off, Angela and I got retarded giddy.   I started a slow clap.

Thud

So i fell of the bed last night.....like 4 ft drop.  Hilarity ensues.

Coffee talk

Me:"hey, Ang...you should let them cross..."
Angela:"but I wanted you to see the Jews."

Coffee talk

Me:"hey, Ang...you should let them cross..."
Angela:"but I wanted you to see the Jews."

My little pony

Lily:"one time, Jakob was hiding in my bed, and he had a pony"

The darkness

My mom wanted to see just how burnt she could make these hot dogs

Phase One: Initial Warming

Phase Two: Cremation

Goin to California with an Achin in my Heart..

Tim: "Hey, you had full disclosure prior to Day 3.  I am needy.  You didn't give me fair warning, you didn't say, "Hey, my name is Tonja, I have BAGGAGE!""

Crescent Rolls

Me: "Am I fla...."
Tim: "YES!"
Me: "...ky?"

Homeboy didn't even let me finish my question!

Bath Salts

Josh (taking a bubble bath): "Hey Daddy, come try this water!  It will make you fly like Ironman, strong like Hulk, see rainbows in the sky, and make your wildest dreams come true."
Tim (to me): "I think he is trying to give me drugs."

Leader of the free world

Josh:"you are not the boss"
Tim:"yes, i am"
Josh:" no, you're not"
Tim:"then who is?"
Josh:"Barack Obama"

This message is brought to you by....

Josh spent the night with Jonathan. At 3am, Jonathan's alarm went off by accident.

Josh (to Samantha):"woah!  That scared me, I thought it was the Emergency Broadcasting System"

Like a G6

Tim:"he looks like he is a member of the Black Panthers"

Cleanliness is Godliness

Josh (whole i was giving him a shower):"Mommy, you have to clean my butt last...I don't want butt juice all over my body"

Top dollar shit

Angela:"I don't poop at home unless it is the weekend"
Tim:"if you poop at work, you get paid to poop"

words will never hurt me

Josh: "Where are you going, Mommy?"
Me (getting ready in the bathroom): "With grandma"
Josh: "Where?"
Me: "To the moon and back."
Josh: "How?"
Me: "Grandma has a spaceship."
Josh:"What is it made of?"

Tim (who by the way is to my knowledge, still asleep in the bed) pipes up. out of nowhere "STICKS AND STONES!!!"

"...If I can Remember To know this will Conquer me If I can Just walk alone And try to escape Into me..." (Disturbed)

Josh (to me after I told him he would spend some time in his room for not listening to me): "I HATE YOU.  I HATE YOU.  I HATE YOU.  No more hugs and kisses for you.  I mean it this time.  I am going to try really hard to remember."

Me (Laughing my ass off at this point): "If you have to try to remember, you don't really hate me."

Break me off a piece of that

My mom:"are you going to give me a hug"
Josh:"are you going to give me a kit kat?"

Brother in law

Jon's friend:"wait, you have a gay brother?.....ooooooh, you have a sister"

"Test Driving" Religions

Tim: "I look for a church with that new car smell"

Snake eyes

Tim:"either roll over, or put it away"

Pro-Choice

Tim:"If it is legitimate rape, Akin doesn't need to pull out.(of the race)"

Glass half full out half empty?

Me:"sometimes, my pee smells like popcorn..."
Jennifer:"i've always said that I thought popcorn smelled like pee..."

Sleepwalker

Josh is sleep walking...hilarity ensues.

First episode
Josh:"when you and Daddy were asleep, I sneaky ate some yogurt."

Second episode
Josh:"mommy, I have to tell you something.....it's true.  The other day, I sneaky peed in the recycling bin...."

Third episode
Tim checked on Josh and he was completely naked, sheets off, underwear on the floor.   When he crawled into or bed in the morning, he was wearing different undies and a t shirt.

Forth episode
Tim checked on Josh and he was standing at the sink in his bathroom......just standing there...in the dark, eyes shut.  Tim told him to go back to bed and he got back in bed, laid his head on the pillow, and was knocked out.

Goldmember

Josh:"I'm all about peeling some dead skin"

A plague on both your houses

This little piggy

Me:"if you would just interlock toes with me, this would be all over"
Tim:"if you would just drop it, thus would be all over

*Side note - why don't people hold feet like we hold hands????

50 shades of denim

My mom (via text):"Just saw a guy with a friggin pair of capris on...no shit. They were jean type..wtf? I told your dad those are a hard limit for me...lol"

Sometimes you feel like a nut

Josh:" for being such a good girl, you deserve a peanut"

Key west

Josh:"is this the rain forest?"

Ham stain

Tim:"I know, I have mommy's meat juice on my pants."

Talk dirty to me

My mom: "spit in my  goggles!"

Heart healthy

Josh: "mommy, I don't want to get sucked by vampires..."
Tim: "Josh, mommy cooks with way too much garlic to worry about that"

Bros before hoes

Tim spilled his Mt dew.  Like he forgot where his lips were.  When I laughed at him about it, this was his response:

Tim:" what??? I was just giving my bro some....."

Priceless

Alexys: "Oh, I am not tan, I am GOLD!"

*She is in the first grade.

Hater blockers

Josh: "mommy I can't see....."
Me: "here, wear my glasses."

"Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and than I smell them like this!" - Mary Katherine Gallagher

Josh: "Yeah, it is about that time.  (long pause)  Time to shave my pits!"

*He then procedes to slap his armpits running down the hall singing "Shave those pits!  Shave those pitty pit pits....Shave those pitty pits!"

The Land Before Time

Josh: "When you bite people, it hurts.  You could bite a big bite, like a dinosaur, and you could kill someone.  Did dinosaurs bite people?"
Me: "Dinosaurs and people were never on the planet at the same time.  They were before people."
Josh: "So, they are REALLY old?  Older than you?"

Missy hissy

Angela:"My milk snake brings all the boys to the yard..."

Till death do us part.

Josh: "I will miss you when I pass away."
Me: "What do you mean when you say pass away?"
Josh: "When I get married. And move away. You, know....pass away."

The white stuff

Note to self: When a marshmallow catches on fire.....DO NOT FLING.  I did this to myself.  It burned a little.  I am lucky I didn't catch my hair on fire.

Come Along...and ride....The Dinosaur Train

Josh: "Chickies are birds.  And birds are dinosaurs.  So, we have dinosaurs in our backyard."

"I'll be wrapped around your finger"- The Police

Rene: "I. am. a. finger. cutter."

The Trinity

My dad.  My husband.  My son.

Talk dirty to me

Me: "I think I need to poop again."
Tim: "You know where the toilet is."

That blows!

Jared: "What ever you do, DON'T BLOW!!!!  NEVER BLOW!!!  Trust me......from experience!"

Scratch and sniff

Tim:"I don't speak remix"

The magical fruit

Josh (to Spencer): "I am going to make you some beans, SON!"

Bawitdaba

Me: "I wonder what people do if they don't turn their American flag into the fire Department?"
Angela: "They make bikinis out of them."
Me: "Oh, Ok.  Makes sense."
Angela: "Actually, they give it to Kid Rock and he makes shit out of them."

Gone fishing

This is what happens to a brand new toy when you piss daddy off.

Prairie Dogging

Nick: "Tennis cans are great for doo doo."

Draw something

Me:"I love the pink Jesus, blood squirts and all"

Speed Demon

Staci (after explaining that I couldn't find a fee anywhere on my speeding ticket.  Which the officer printed from his vehicle, it was not a pink carbon copy like I am used to): "Oooooh, Cary ticket.  Figures they would be fancy and hard to read."

I wanna be like Mike

Mike:"We used to have chickens in the Philippians"
Me:"You don't anymore?"
Me (as I ask typing this):"how do you spell Philippians?"
Mike:"beats me, I've been trying to spell that for years"

*sidenote: I still spelled that bitch wrong....apparently, it is Philippines.

Rock on....

Christa:" momma, you know these chairs rock..."
Tim:"only because I'm sitting in them"

Momma said knock you out

Me:" I don't like how physical you are...you know, one of these days some kid is going to haul off and deck the shit outta you."
Josh:"tell me which kid......"

*like he was taking notes or something

Light my fire

Josh:"when I get older, can I smoke?"
Me:"that is you're decision, but I really hope not.....it can really hurt you"
Josh:"ok, when I get older, I will try the fire.  It I don't like it, I won't"

String cheese

I can pull a bunny out of my hat

Me: "I wear magic underwear, so I should know"

Show me the money

Tim: "if I had a ride lawn mower, our yard would look so much nicer"
Josh:"we don't have the money for that daddy"
Me:" look at you, our little financial planner..what should we spend our money on?"
Josh:" me!"

Ribbon Cutting

Josh: "Hey guys.  I just heard this on the radio.....In July, a new restaurant will be opening.  Seriously, I am not kidding, it was on the radio."

*He is stalling.  It is bed time.

Chocolat'

Rob: "so, why didn't you smell his hand?"

*Josh had brown marker ALL over his hand

Get, get naked

Shaun:"Do you mind if I take your shirt off.."

**Correction**   No more inebriated blogging.  What Shaun really said was "  Do you mind if I take MY shirt off?"  Personally, I think the uncorrected version was funnier.

Heinz 57

Me:" we left daddy behind, but don't worry he'll catch up"
Josh:" you mean he has ketchup on his face?"

The shirt off my back

Tim: "Hold off on buying me more shirts.  I don't wear them very often"

Time is on my side....

Tim: "Clocks don't depict time accurately."

How cheesy

Josh:" you know what i'm gonna do with that gouda? I'm gonna kill it!! I'm gonna shove it down my throat to my tummy....i'm serious....I will literally kill it!!  I want to have it t now mommy!!!!"

Damn it feels good to be gangtsa

Josh: "I look good! I'm going to go look in the mirror now...."

5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Got milk?

Hendrix REALLY likes chocolate milk.  I now know what an inverted milk mustache looks like

Dead and bloated - stone temple pilots

Me: "will you make me chocolate milk and scratch my back?"
Tim: "you mean get you bloated and put you to sleep?"

Crack is Wack

My therapist (referring to weeding out "friends" vs. friends): "I have some clients who no longer hang around crackheads.  They now hang out with people who just steal shit every now and then."

The Replacements

Josh gave us new names in Target last night.  Tim is now "Bob".  I am "Claire".  And Josh is"Walter".  Please refer to us with our new names now.  This is a serious matter...lol.